"If they give you ruled paper, write the other way." -Juan Ramon Jiminez

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

A Rejected Satire Essay

Paramus High School is a veritable fortress. Surrounded by hills and fences, PHS is nestled at the base of Century Road. Inside, an advanced camera and observation system links its video into administration offices. The school’s dining room is constantly monitored by a devoted team of educators and administrators. The library, possibly the greatest source of knowledge in our school, is defended by yet another dedicated team of professionals and a fearsome theft detection and prevention system. Hall passes and identity cards are carried around at all times, ensuring the halls remain safe and terrorist free. The doors leading to inner courtyards have even been reversed just these last few months to ensure no would-be evildoer can escape into the school’s inner nature refuges. And Paramus High School’s strongest line of defense, our crack security force, instills fear into the heart of any enemy, any evildoer, that would decide to strike against our glorious alma mater.

Armed to the teeth, Paramus High’s glorious security team is as world renowned as the school itself. Constantly vigilant, our devoted defense team proves to be the strongest deterrent against any evildoing, foreign or domestic. I always feel a strong bout of ease and pride when, during my spacing out phase of Mr. Banks’ fifth period Analysis class, I hear the sound of security – a set of keys slowly jingling in step with a marshal’s pace – making its way down the hall. As he teeters side to side in his rounds down the hall, I can see the stars and stripes waving proudly behind him in my mind’s eye. However, the effectiveness of our team goes far, far beyond the visible means of recognition.

When asked for her thoughts on school security, senior Bailey Marcella replies, “What school security?” School security is that invisible. While doing a personal project, I brought my camcorder in to school, upon which some students inquired on legality; whether or not “you can do that in school.” “Of course it can be done in school,” as my typical response goes, “our very school does this to protect us!” Hidden among the lights and sporadic leaks in Paramus High’s ceilings, tiny black domes placed strategically around the premises are linked into the administrative offices – ensuring quick responses during any unforeseen situations – with hilarious side benefits. Lina Guantez, beloved administrator and popular morning announcement personality, is one administrator with access to such cameras. Sure, while terrorists moving within our school could be tracked and such rooms could become emergency intelligence centers, that occasional nose-picker standing alone in the commons at 4:15 can always bring a laugh to our esteemed protectors. The rowdy Tuesday-Night tutors are also kept in check.

While some may argue that school security needn’t reflect such a strong presence or, be present at all, many don’t realize that we live in a different world since the September 11th terror attacks. A new security presence is needed in these desperate times, one that may even have to infringe a bit on our civil rights. But for the small loss of privacy we lose to cameras and having to carry around passes to places we go, and the threat of a “Spartan Alert” always looming, PHS is safe and secure. Not to mention the chain link fences with barbed wire, and the turret posts on each side of the building. Or the land-mined laced baseball fields.

But on top of it all, it’s the members of the devoted Paramus High School Security Team who are always ready, strategically moving around the school – ready to block the path of any unauthorized adult, such as school bus drivers for field trips, or, God forbid, students without a pass, from wandering our sacred halls. No evildoer could even come close to their resource, cunning, and sheer mass.


  • At June 15, 2004 at 11:36 PM, Blogger onReload said…

    i <3 elegantly worded, thick, thick sarcasm.

    that should have went in, really.

  • At June 16, 2004 at 6:11 PM, Blogger chicaso said…

    that. was. awesome.

  • At June 17, 2004 at 7:00 AM, Blogger The Tortured Writer said…

    So it seems the USA may not be all... i imagined it to be. The grass is always greener right?

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