today i made my mother cry. it was an awful feeling, one i will try and describe for the rest of you children - the ones who don't pass insanity back and forth with a parent. recently, my mother has started to make strange declarations...proclaiming her natural rights as a mother, especially when i tell her that she doesn't need to know where i am all of the time. when trying to explain that "while every human has the right to do anything they want--" i was cut off...was then prompted to answer if i really thought i could do anything i want...i kicked the black mesh of an office-style trashcan under my desk and finished my sentence..."that doesn't make it OK to do such a thing. i could kill everyone if i wanted to, but--" i am interrupted again. she asked me if that's what my religious education taught me. this may be the sixth time she has suggested she wasted money sending me to religious school, simply because i do not practice judaism.
my first slammed into the desk, and i remember feeling like a profane and verbose cannon of hatred, doubling up on the phrase, "WHAT THE FUCK...". the second time, "FUCK" became "Fu-uh-uck..." as the word was broken and staggered apart the way it does when you start weeping. the end of the sentence was supposed be something like, "...does that have to do with what we're talking about?"
scared and upset, my mother burst into tears. i haven't heard her cry in a long time - and that isn't because i've been an easier child to deal with, but because she was practicing bitterness, anger, and Rx drug use to cope instead. i fed off her tears in guilt i swore i didn't possess, holding my face and sobbing openly for...the first time in a long time. i felt like if i removed my clasped hands from my face, water would gush out of my face and i would be helpess to stop it.
i heard the reverse avalanche of foot-stomps up the four and twelve stairs, as my father started with "What is going on here?" he asked my mother to back off into her room and closed my door for a bit...i heard her telling him that she has to do laundry...her crying echoed and followed her through the house, down the twelve and four steps, like the volume was gradually turned down as she went further away...i asked him for a minute and i just sat in my room, still covering my face.
eventually, i cleaned up my face and stopped shaking. i wanted to make like nothing had happened...i started playing a game on my computer, just to pass time idly, and i began to question if i do the right thing with my mother. an outsider could never understand how frustrating affairs are with her, since things never change, no matter how badly you want them to. i wondered if maybe it would be right to let her have her way...to put off college, to get a job, to rid the family of the pet rabbit...suddenly my heart cruelly focused on that idea, of getting rid of the bunny...i pictured her soft eyes and fur, ears tilting towards the sound just like any animal would...i felt like shit. i pictured every worst sound and sight i have experienced: closed doors, ignored gifts, forced smiles, and things that are just out of reach.
for the rest of the day, i remained pretty quiet...i did help my mother in some right, taping a tv movie for her...sitting here, calm, and at peace, i still don't know what to do. she is definitely wrong, in all sense of the word, in what she thinks is best for me, but i can't ignore her. i just can't. socially...i have always felt like things must be perfect, i can't just give up on another person. i easily forgive, and vie for the respect of others, no matter who they might be. it doesn't settle with me to just smooth things over, and on the surface be OK with my mother while at the core of my idealogical self be in complete discordance with her so-called policies. this is what my brother has done, and somewhere, my mother will die alone and lonely, my father damaged from her endless obsession with fear of poverty and failure...i hate the fact that so much of my family just pretends to give a damn when we were all raised to not really love one another. but it's too late now. i sincerely mean that.
you know, i blamed her today for ruining my day, and my mood. i even blamed her for ruining my life. but everybody i wish to thank and everything i'm happy to hold on to, is owed to her - and i don't just mean in the technical sense that she gave birth to me, but that, she had a tremendous impact upon the way i am.
so please, kind audience, tell me...where does your rage go? where do you put it? i can't continue to let it burn inside me, and hurt myself in all life aspects, and i can't flesh it out upon its creators. what do i do with all this anger, hate, frustration, pain?
