"If they give you ruled paper, write the other way." -Juan Ramon Jiminez

Sunday, April 11, 2004

My Metacognitive Self-Organizing Dream, April 10-11

It was a beautiful day, but there was not a soul to be seen. No birds, no bugs, just grass - a forest on the far side of the empty field on which I stood. I stood with two others, a girl about my age, and with a guy in his early 20s. Both Caucasian, both brown haired. We were running away from a building that felt like a school of some sort, somewhat resembling a building I went to middle school in. We three were walking away from the building – but the farther away from the building and the closer we got to the forest, the more we felt we shouldn’t be there, the less time we felt we had, the faster we ran. It became clear that I had to get to the forest, and we had to hide. We got somewhat far into the forest and hid under the herbage and foliage.
After beginning to feel calm, I felt the presence of soldiers, standing upright while we hid below. As I was beginning to plan my escape, several tanks came in silence, making tremendous noise only upon their detection. I immediately lost my feeling of connection to the female character (in other words, my mental “tabs” on here were lost and she was taken for dead, “out of sight, out of mind” or in this case “out of mind, out of sight”) and I saw the male I was traveling with get crushed by a tank. The last thing I saw was another tank crush my head and my life end (from an external perspective).

For some reason, instead of waking up in a cold sweat or feeling horror at my death, I lost visual focus (don’t remember seeing anything, just black and thinking) and wanted to understand. I wanted to understand why I felt like I shouldn’t be where I was, who the people with me were, what the military was doing, and what motivated our murderers. Going forward, I felt, was not the answer. I had to go back. I then started my dream from an earlier point in the plot, so that I could work forwards and understand everything about the circumstances surrounding my death.

I was in a spacecraft that had just landed, the main feature of which were two massive garage type doors similar to those that you would see on NASA’s Vehicle Assembly Building. Behind those doors was a massive garage that stretched far up. The room was huge, and from there, three of the people from the ship left to explore the area, two of them being the people that died with me. Another person stayed behind with me, a girl I believe, who was of no consequence or former knowledge of mine. After they had left and been gone a while, I went into the garage.
A giant creature, the only living creature besides people I had seen during the dream then began running from across the field in front of our ship. I ran into the main part of the ship (which was very tall and well light, generally white and light blue) and ran away along the wall that the inner door was on. The girl I was with presumably (I didn’t have mental tabs on her) was killed by the creature, but I managed to kill it by closing the metal door (the kind that closes when the top comes down and the bottom goes up, with metal interlocking teeth) from a switch down the hall. I decided to then join the people I was with. I radioed them, and they met me just outside the ship.
We walked across a hilly cemetery, which had many large dark green bushes. The day was still strikingly beautiful. There was a slight feeling of worry that we shouldn’t be on the planet. We crossed through the cemetery, which didn’t bear the emotional weight of death or the eeriness that accompanies it, but instead felt like it was very much like that open field I traveled through just before dying, like there was nowhere to hide.
Next I can remember, we were in (close to the edge of, I don’t remember entering it like I don’t remember entering the forest, but remember being in, but not being far into it, just as the forest. It strikes many parallels with the forest in that sense) a massively built up but destroyed city, with buildings that seemed to go up no shorter than 50 stories. The city was laid out in a grid, and it was a beautiful day, which made the fact that the paint on the buildings was all gone and everything was a worn cement color, with glass broken everywhere and the streets covered with debris. The oddest part, which became abundantly clear, was that there was no sign of life having resided in this city for decades, if not hundreds of years. There were no bugs, there were no plants, no signs of any life. Everything was mute in eerie stillness. From this point, somewhere in the city the fourth person in our party was silently, inexplicably, mentally un-“tabbed” and forgotten. The party had been reduced to three, and we had realized that some armed force has destroyed the city to protect some secret in the city, beyond the boundaries and inside the safety of a forest.
We were traveling back across the graveyard and back towards the spacecraft to leave the planet, and stop and duck in our tracks. I saw a small group of soldiers standing outside of our ship’s massive garage doors. Facing the cold realization that there was no escape, we then faced the realization that we were trapped somewhere we didn’t want to be. The way out, we reasoned, was through. We meant to hide in the woods, and then to try to make it through the woods to see what was hidden in the center that had cost us our lives.

I was back at the beginning of the dream. The overlap seemed exact for several moments. As we approached the forest, I began to question my doom, and wished to find a way to change it. Looking at the people I was running with, I decided that we should stay and fight, and not hide this second time around.

We took metal spears and punched them through the soldiers’ head and faces when they approached, as they circled us from all around. We killed soldier after silent soldier, until the girl I was fighting with was killed, and soon after the male. I stayed alive to finish off the final soldiers, and then came to the center of the forest where there was a clearing.

Up until this point in the dream, nobody I had seen resembled a person I know. In the clearing, as soldiers, I saw two girls and a guy sitting on a wooden log. It was dusk now, and becoming night. I moved forward and slashed the metal rod through the male’s head, and then through one of the top of one of the girl’s head. I realized then, that this was Christina Chicas, whom I had hung out with that day. I pulled the rod from the top of her head.
I felt guilty about doing this, and had hoped that she would not die. We began to talk, and I don’t remember what we said, but I sat down next to her and talked, thinking about how the wound must have been fatal. I sat with her and the other girl I know but can not remember on the log, surrounded by the bodies of soldiers and comrades in the darkening twilight, watching the moon rise. I was left alive, an enemy that was now a friend was left alive, and the one who had changed the silent enemy into a friend was left neither dead nor alive, but the walking dead, out in limbo, speaking.


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