when i leave, things die.

look at me, being egotistical: i stopped posting, and the whole system collapsed.

i want to make cool references to all of the interesting things that i've donce since i stopped posting. unfortunately, not only do i not remember half of the things that i do, i don't really do anything interesting or worth remembering. maybe that's why i'm trying to carry my camera more; either to remember meaningless events, or to make them feel more meaningful.

begin.

the other day, i needed to say "i love you." not online or on the phone. it needed to be aloud, and directed at something real -- not a telephone receiver or a computer screen. nobody was home, and even if someone was i don't think i would have taken advantage of that fact. i went outside. it was cold. for a bit, i sat on the front stoop, and told passing cars that i loved them. icily, they simply passed by, without any acknowledgement that they had heard me. i moved to the back yard, liberating a lawn chair from my garage. i sat on my patio, watching the empty bird feeder and hoping for a bird to come along. the feeder has been empty for months now, and i guess the birds have moved on. i put the chair away when my face and my fingers were the same temperature. inside, i told an orange that i loved it. then i ate it.

end of my heavy-hearted work of staggering genius.

i want to be sarcastic and angsty about prom. but i can't be.

my senior year is ending and i don't know how to feel.

C.