"If they give you ruled paper, write the other way." -Juan Ramon Jiminez

Saturday, October 23, 2004

speak of the devil

a total ramble. at freaking four am.

everything's been related either directly or indirectly to stress; flu season has taken its toll and that's a direct outcome of anxiety and worrying. of course, lack of sleep is not too beneficial either, so i can't say its all school and people...although that's my reasoning behind the odd logic said above...that doesn't make sense.

school's not that bad. or maybe that's just because my bar has gone down from freshman year. whatever it is, it's bothering me that i'm relaxed, too relaxed, with everything, in comparison to two years prior. or even last year. i now lack direct incentive and productivity. a day almost feels wasted if i did not accomplish something academically or musically productive. back to the morals instilled in me in third grade.

social complications. won't go there. they exist and multiply like bacteria on roadkill in london.

i need to re-instill in myself the value of a dollar. i used to be so good at this game; giving everything i earned from lessons straight to my father, who would put it in the bank. and i'd get so happy, knowing i was getting closer and closer to the violin i'd been longing to get for years. but now, instead of limiting myself on 10 dollars a week, i would spend money on totally useless things. i didn't need them, i just wanted them. and that sort of freedom has got to stop, before the parents find out. and the chains are tightened.

i was so much more strong-willed back then. the old days. naïveté never looked so desirable.


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