"If they give you ruled paper, write the other way." -Juan Ramon Jiminez

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Suddenly, Now!

So, Myles (of "Myles", Inappropriate fame) shot me an IM awhile ago with the following:

lame myles: i updated:

I kind of just slowly frowned. I remember using this blog as an ultra-melodramatic outlet in '04 and '05, but didn't really think it still existed, kind of like all my old Angelfire pages (please don't try and find them).

So, because I was embarrassed, I went and deleted every post that had any real emotion or was oversaturated with cheap/cliche/lame/high-school literary technique. Sorry. I left a few, simple blogs that chronicled what my activities were like during those times, and though they too weren't the greatest of times, I can remember being fairly happy at the times of writing, so rereading them doesn't really get me down. (and they don't seem like insignificant cries for help)

I know, I've overthought this. Maybe I should have left the old diary entries; maybe that would put this post in a fuller context...However, some of the topics were very personal - I wrote about my mother, my few romantic exploits (one of which still stands!), and so it's really not just for my own sake. That, and a big chunk of it was in a style that was just way too embarassing...I've managed to shed a lot of concerns for how other people think, but again, this blog has been for a tighter network of people.

Also, I used to hate rereading anything I wrote, even if it was only the day after, but five years? That's insane. I don't consider myself a writer (in fact this is the most writing I've done in a very long time), but that has to be some kind of torture for anybody remotely artistic. "Here, look at this bullshit you did before you really figured yourself out! Does that sting or what?" Maybe this paragraph is a big "fuck you" to Myles.

So anyway, on with the NOW! stuff. To try and avoid my tangential thought process, I will do this in a list:

What's Changed?
  • My hair is a lot longer now. Some time in maybe, '06, I decided to let my hair grow out. I didn't feel like short hair really suited me any more. For 13 months, I didn't have any of it cut; there were then several trims done. I still wasn't really happy with its condition, but it gave off a more persona-accurate look: weird, chaotic, unkempt, etc. With my daily method of brushing back away from the hairline, then letting it dry naturally, my thick near-ultra Jewish locks ran near straight down my face, then curled heavily from my chin to near my shoulders. It was a triangle. Much more recently, I went to a new salon, gave a better description of what I wanted, and now I'm no longer so geometrically simple.
  • Another hobby of mine that blossomed was that of video gaming. I won't write much about this (Jesus, I already wrote enough about my damn hair), but I know more history, collect more, play more types, and even practice certain games. Sad, I know...but such a wonderful escape. (More on "escape" later.) I'm very interested in how gaming's legitimacy and legacy are turning it into what the general public might one day view as a serious art form.
  • I went to a University - Temple, indeed. I won't bore you with those details, because they're probably not a whole lot different from other rocky experiences. Let's see - 4 years (dropped out for a semester, and took almost every summer session) and still no degree. (And no personal reel). I do think learning has transpired - the academic/film kind, because I mean I would hope that I learn something with every new experience. There are new friends, new ridiculous stories.
  • I'm now looking for a full-time job to accrue some money and personal structure in order to finish school. I'm determined to finish where I started, and so it fits that I've been in Philadelphia this whole time.
  • Not much else. The personality...I don't think I can really communicate that through a blog; this is why I like the movies, or better yet - in-person conversation.
What Hasn't Changed
  • I'm still with Jackie. We're on, what, four and a half years? I guess we do some things right.
  • My mom is still bananas. We're on good terms...this week.
  • I'm still crippled by responsibility and the fear of failure, which has finally been pinned down as Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia - to break it down simply, fear of fear itself, and the subsequent avoidance/escape of any situation related. Now, I've always been trying to "finally figure it all out," but while knowing the problem is the first step, I feel as though step two is much, much harder...and still forthcoming.
  • I don't drink or do drugs, or at least, not the kind that aren't discussed, researched, prescribed, and properly taken by myself.
  • My green Dodge Caravan is still tickin', and I like weird music. (Expanded, more tolerant etc, but this is the wrong half for that.)
Anyway, I'm going to cut this off here because, well, I don't have a damned conclusion and I gotta help a friend move his stuff.

Enjoy, those who will read.


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